MindSwitch Mondays #25: Am I being a good parent for my kids?
Don't all parents ask themselves this question?
Write of Passage started about two weeks ago. Today I want to share the first essay I wrote for this course.
Am I being a good parent for my kids?
I sit here writing this essay, and there is no whining, no noise, no complaints, and no “Mommy, may I eat…?” Surprisingly, my daughters are playing in their rooms, and no yelling or even loud requests are going on.
Peace.
I can actually sit down at my desk to write. This can’t be right, something’s going on. Either my kids are up to something, or they have vanished from Earth! I stand up from my desk and head over to their rooms.
They look up and give me a “what’s up mom?” look.
Am I being a good parent for my kids?
This question has a way of crawling into my thoughts every time I feel peace, joy, sadness, anger, or even boredom.
Should I play with them? Or is everything under control and I can work on my writing?
I start running through my mental checklist again. The checklist I have curated since my college years. This list is readjusted mentally almost every 6 months to fit the developmental stage my kids are in. Providing a solid education is one of my priorities, but for today I will focus on the social and emotional needs of my kids in this list.
Here we go again...
Starting with Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development.
My five-year-old should be in the middle of developing a sense of purpose and beginning to assert control and power over her environment. No wonder she wants to tell the dog where to nap!
My six-year-old, who is now in her first elementary school year, should be developing a sense of competency in keeping up with new demands. Her love for reading becomes visible every night during our family reading time as we take turns reading sentences.
Two checks ticked off.
Jean Piaget, known for his theory of Cognitive Development, would ask me to check that both of my kids are riding their pretend broom horse and learning the “baaaaby shark du du ru ru duru” beat. Clearly, they are developing language skills in English and Spanish as they speak the new Spanglish that my Spaniard husband cannot tolerate as a formal language.
Ticking off two more from the list right here. Social development, check! Cognitive development, check! Now let's scan emotional and physical developments.
I remember the other day when my five-year-old was trying to tell me she did not want fish, she wanted chicken instead. I emphasize the trying part because she was crying the whole time until I asked her to use her words and not her tears. Until then with much effort, she calmed down and expressed her request for chicken. Aha! Yes, she is working on emotional regulation natural to her stage of development and was able to calm herself down. Another check right here.
My six-year-old was screaming at her sister for grabbing the cool pens she got for her birthday. Yes, usually she sings and could be an opera singer with her high-pitched voice, but this time she was screaming. I came over and asked her to use her words because I could only hear her yelling instead. Quickly she got herself together and calmed her tone of voice.
“That's progress right there!” I thought.
Check, check!
Physical development….my favorite. From playdough to soccer. Hidden in the playdough playtime, the writing of love notes to dad, and the balancing on the sidewalk frame are both their fine and gross motor skill development. Physical development, check!
As I run through my curated list of milestones that I know my kids at their age need to have reached or gone beyond, my mind pauses.
My focus shifts.
My mommy intuition interrupts my checklist rundown, just to tell me that she knows best… I know there is no one in this world that knows my kids better than me!
Even though checking things off a list can provide a sense of security that I am addressing their developmental needs. Being a good parent for my kids is not only about their developmental needs. But meeting their specific needs builds a healthy-loving relationship with them.
These specific needs are so unique to each of their personalities. Others might call these specific needs, love language.
Only by spending time and paying close attention do you get to know each of them. For example, the need for a bedtime story every night, or morning cuddles with pajamas on, or our night conversations about the best part of our day, or a kiss blown out in the air in the middle of a distance learning class.
Specific needs are what truly make kids happy. Even though my kid’s happiness is not dependent on me, speaking their love language to build a loving relationship is one of my priorities.
I know that sometimes their inner clock decides to move slower, and development seems to stay far behind until it suddenly catches up. This I know is not under my control.
What I do know is that if they continue having their specific needs met, I can answer my questions and say: Yes, I am being a good parent for my kids.
Thank you for reading.
Have a great week.
Alexandra
i loveeeeeeeeee it! ale!!