MindSwitch Mondays #19: 1.2.3... ok! It’s Enough!
Counting turns a kind instruction into a public battle of wills.
Parents love to count.
We tend to use the “I’ll give you to the count of three to…” Other times we say “I will count to ten, and when I am done counting I want to see…”
Sometimes, you need to break these whole numbers into fractions. “1...2...2 ½, 2 ¾.”
And in other cases, you use facial expressions.
100% Effort and NO Results.
Counting turns a kind instruction into a public battle of wills.
Today it’s my turn to count!
1 MindSwitch, 2 Whys, and 3 actionable steps!
1 MindSwitch
Counting is a popular parenting technique. I have used it myself as a parent when I think I am out of strategies or when I am “too busy” to take care of matters using a long-term strategy.
But counting for compliance is not an ideal tactic.
2 Whys
When we count for compliance, we are telling our kids they have an ultimatum, but the message they receive is “we are not serious until I get to three.”
By counting to three we are giving our kids three opportunities to ignore us.
Teaching our kids to listen and cooperate the first time, helps them outside the home too. At school, they won’t get 3 chances to turn in their work.
When we feel the need to count, our kids aren’t listening, and WE are getting frustrated.
When kids don’t collaborate, parents rely on discipline strategies such as punishment, time-outs, countdowns, etc. But what really ends up happening is that parents turn their kid’s misbehavior into their problem.
Being too accommodating with your kid’s behavior can lead to entitlement.
Entitlement sneaks into day-to-day actions giving kids advantages and excuses to downsize responsibilities.
When kids are not made responsible for their behavior, the feelings of entitlement increase.
3 Actionable steps
Use a calm voice when making requests to your children. Being firm and kind compels kids to listen without using force.
When your five-year-old refuses to sit down at the dinner table to join the family for dinner, resist the urge to count. Instead, get down on his level (physically), make eye contact, and express the desired behavior.
Train your kids to manage and express big emotions.
Yes, tantrums are normal!!
They will often last as long as parents engage with them, or until the child realizes he is getting his way with it or not. As long as no one is in danger, there is no need to get angry or lecture your child in the middle of a tantrum.
Empathize and move on. The tantrum will pass and your child will learn the valuable lesson that when you say something, you mean it. Your child might not like hearing “no” or wants to do things differently. Take a moment to understand why they are having a tantrum.
For kids too young to express their feelings, you can label them for them: “B, I know you are frustrated and angry that your sister gets to use the toy first. It’s hard not to always get what you want.”
Labeling their feelings and expressing their emotions helps them learn to express their emotions in less dramatic ways.
Avoid getting drawn into the power struggle if your child is still putting on a fit.
Redirect.
Taking your child’s minds off the idea they're struggling with and distracting them in healthy ways is a great way to get cooperation. Ask your child about their favorite color, or talk to them about the best part of their day, or even take them to look at the squirrel out on the tree. All this BEFORE they get into the tantrum.
Think of the tantrum as locking the door. Once the door is locked, we need to find the right key to open it.
Getting kids to comply with requests is a hard task that can drain us. But finding the right positive strategies can lead you and your child to a healthy and loving relationship.
You can read “Collaboration over Obedience” to continue learning more about how to get kids to collaborate in a positive way.
This is all for this week
Thanks for reading!
Alexandra
Interesting, a benefit of counting can be it provides you as the care giver / parent time to reflect & actually provide a reasonable 'ultimatum'. It is important to follow through with this if necessary.
Previously I made a YouTube video summarising a book on parenting that readers may find thought provoking:
https://youtu.be/3FOuD2bl3Fw