MindSwitch Mondays #17: Collaboration over Obedience
I signed up for the Positive Discipline Certification in 2018 to learn, reconnect with education, and get a few tips and tricks to become a supportive parent for my kids.
I would like to have a conversation with all of you about one of the pillars of Positive Discipline: Collaboration
Let me know your thoughts on this topic. I want to learn the struggles and successes you are having at home or in your classroom around collaboration.
How does thinking about collaboration impact the way we manage kids' behavior?
We tend to feel children don’t “behave like they used to in the old days” or “ are more challenging than ever.” But we forget that adults have changed too.
Rudolf Dreikus, an Austrian psychiatrist and educator created a method to understand misbehavior. Building on Alfred Adler’s work, Dreikus suggested that human misbehavior is the result of feeling a lack of belonging to one’s social group.
His main goal was that children would learn to collaborate reasonably without punishment or reward because they would have developed a sense of belonging.
Changes in Society
Dreikus identified two big changes in society that were influencing behavior leading us to view it and manage it as misbehavior.
First, the human rights movement took place. The models of obedience that once existed started changing. Obedience and submission roles changed between mom and dad, boss and employee, and minority groups. Adults no longer acted in obedience or submission like they used to. Everyone started claiming their rights to full equality and dignity.
But in reality, however, equality does not mean the same.
A dollar coin and a dollar bill are very different, but equal.
Children just follow the examples all around them, they also want to be treated with dignity and respect.
But kids still need adult leadership and guidance, they are not ready to enjoy the rights that come with greater experience, skills, and maturity.
A second major change in society was that children had fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation.
Today, we try to rescue and overprotect our children from all disappointment.
We steal opportunities from kids. Taking away chances to develop the belief in their capability to learn from mistakes and handle the ups and downs of life. We keep them from opportunities to feel belonging and significance in meaningful ways through responsible contributions.
Swinging the pendulum from being controlling to being permissive does not allow kids to learn valuable social and life skills.
In short, we want our kids to collaborate at home and in school, but are stealing the opportunities for them to learn valuable life skills. At some point, our beliefs about behavior drag us back to the “old” way of functioning by expecting obedience without giving kids a voice.
The question is: Do you believe in obedience or in collaboration?
James Clear explains in his book, Atomic Habits, “Progress requires unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself (as a parent or teacher) requires you to continuously edit your beliefs, and to upgrade and expand your identity.”
How can we promote collaboration?
This week, I’m sharing these actionable steps from Jane Nelsen of Positive Discipline, to help children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills.
Be Kind and Firm
Both are important for a situation to be respectful and encouraging. Being kind shows respect for the child and being firm shows respect for ourselves and the needs of the situation.
Use the phrases:
“I know you can find a respectful way to say this.”
“It’s almost your turn.”
“Have you tried it yourself? I know you can think of a helpful solution.”
Remember Connection before Correction
The primary goal of all human beings is to feel a part of, significant, seen; basically that you matter. Kids misbehave when they want undue attention.
Jane Nelsen explains how to manage undue attention through this chart.
Guide your kids to gain attention usefully.
Give them responsibilities in the house or in the classroom.
Offer opportunities to tell their stories or funny jokes.
Writing today’s newsletter has been a walk down memory lane. I have remembered the struggles and breakthroughs I went through when starting with Positive Discipline at home. Every step was worth it!
Remember, progress requires unlearning.
Do you believe in collaboration or in obedience?
Hit the reply button to continue this conversation with me.
Alexandra
Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash